infertility, PCOS

Infertility and My Mental Health

Infertility and my mental health

It’s no secret that I’ve battled with depression and anxiety since the age of about 13 years old. The depression would come and go whenever it saw fit and eventually left me alone in 2015. My anxiety however has remained a constant for the last ten years. Most days are pretty manageable but others are crippling where even getting out the door becomes the hardest thing in the world. I can’t go to new places alone, I’m yet to join everyone from work on a night out, and I would rather the ground opened up and swallowed me instead of having to meet someone new but that’s just who I am now.  Recently though the depression has made it’s way back in, but this time things are different and I know exactly what’s caused it… our good ‘friend’ infertility.

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fertility, infertility, PCOS

Listen Up!

National infertility awareness week

This week (23rd – 29th April) is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) in the US which was founded by Resolve. Although I live in the UK it is clearly something I am passionate about so I’m taking part too! Their theme this year is “Listen Up!” encouraging people to listen up and take notice of the issues surrounding infertility and family building. As someone who has been very vocal about their infertility struggles it makes sense for me to join in and talk about the importance of speaking up and how we need to be heard.

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fertility, infertility, PCOS

Preparing Your Heart For Something That Never Comes

preparing your heart for something that never comes

Infertility is tough, but what can make it even harder is holding  onto that small shred of hope. The hope that maybe the countless doctors are wrong. The hope that maybe just maybe you could be part of the small percentage of people who prove everyone wrong. The hope that one day you’ll get to hold your own baby in your arms. Sadly though I’m beginning to think that holding on to that hope is pointless.

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fertility, PCOS

To The Women Who Have Received An Infertility Diagnosis

to the women who have received an infertility diagnosis

To the women (and men) who have received an infertility diagnosis,

I am so sorry. Honestly and wholeheartedly, I truly, truly am sorry. I can still hear every word of my diagnosis echoing in my mind, I can still feel the agonising crushing pain in my chest when I think back to it. Of course it’s never just one talk. It’s numerous phone calls and more appointments for tests. Each one more heartbreaking than the last but please believe me when I tell you that you’re allowed to take time for yourself and grieve. This is a loss and it shall be mourned as one too, you are more than entitled to feel angry, upset, and lost. Do not let anyone ever try to tell you otherwise.

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infertility, PCOS

Mother’s Day

Mothers Day

It’s currently 16:40 on Sunday 26th March 2017, and I will be completely honest when I say I haven’t left my bed yet today. I don’t think I can. It’s Mother’s Day today over here in the UK and yet again it’s a weird one for me. It’s the third Mother’s Day since being diagnosed with PCOS, it’s the first Mother’s Day since trying for a baby and then being a given an official infertility diagnosis, and the first Mother’s Day not seeing my mum (luckily for me my mum alive and well, I’ve just moved away from home. I’ll probably Facetime her later but it’s not the same)

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infertility, PCOS

NHS Funded IVF Rejection

nhs funded ivf rejection

I’m going to start by saying – I know how lucky I am to live in a country with free healthcare and the opportunity to have fertility treatments like IVF for free. However, that’s not to say the NHS is not without it’s rules and guidelines, and believe me are they strict.

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fertility, infertility, PCOS

Why I Choose To Talk About My Infertility

why i choose to talk about my infertility

Over the last few months I have been more vocal regarding my infertility than I have been over the last two and a half years, and honestly there’s only one reason as to why – I no longer feel ashamed… Okay that’s a lie I still feel ashamed, I just feel less ashamed. When I really think about it though, I find myself asking ‘why should I feel ashamed?’ and the simple answer is – I shouldn’t. For the last two and a half years I have well and truly beaten myself up over my diagnosis. I’ve asked whether it was my fault or anything I could’ve prevented. I’ve hated my body for ‘failing’ me. I’ve become scared of making it worse. I’ve found myself avoiding questions regarding my body and fertility. Mostly though I’ve felt ashamed because my body can’t do the sole thing we’re put on the planet to do. Reproduce.

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fertility, infertility, PCOS

What Not To Say To A Woman Suffering With Infertility

what not to say to a woman suffering with infertility

Now it’s no secret that I have been very open and honest about my fertility issues, in the hopes that I can provide some help or comfort for someone who is going through the same thing. Whether that’s by helping them feel less alone in a very dark situation by seeing that someone else has gone through something very similar, or just by breaking the taboo barrier that is talking about fertility.

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fertility, infertility, PCOS

The Words I Never Wanted To Hear

The Words I Never Wanted To Hear

“There’s a high chance that you will never be able to conceive naturally”  – that one sentence has ripped and echoed it’s way through my mind constantly over the last 18 months and let’s face it probably always will. Being twenty years old and sitting in a grubby hospital office being told that you probably can’t have the one thing you’ve always wanted more than anything well and truly shattered my world into a million pieces.

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