It’s taken me a little while to find the right words for this post because honestly I really wasn’t sure how to put it into words, but as I mentioned in my previous post our first appointment with the fertility clinic was Monday 7th August at 9.30 am, and I can wholeheartedly say it was an absolute disaster. I’ll admit that that Monday morning I actually felt a little excited and I finally felt like things were heading in the right direction for us, unfortunately I was very wrong.
We arrived about twenty minutes early and I can safely say my heart was in my mouth and I swear I could actually taste my own heartbeat I was that nervous, Mitch however seemed as calm and hopeful as always – how does he do that? The waiting room was quiet to the point you could hear a pin drop, and I was busily trying to distract myself from the fact that there was a couple with a young baby sat opposite us but luckily we were called in to our appointment twenty minutes early and things very quickly went from hopeful to heartbreaking.
Once in the doctors office I had to run through my history again while the doctor verified that the tests showed Mitch was fine and I’m the problem… as if I didn’t already know that. For a while the appointment seemed positive, he was telling us how Clomid would be the go to option along with regular scans and monitoring. He explained that Clomid would be used for six months and if there was no luck then they would give up on it and suggest we try other methods such as IUI and IVF. All in all things were going pretty well and I was genuinely surprised.
Then came the kicker – I need to lose two and a half stone (28lbs) before they’ll even entertain the idea of Clomid. To be completely honest with you I was expecting that, I really was but my issue was how? I explained to the doctor that over the years I have tried absolutely everything to lose the weight and nothing really seems to work , he went on to tell me that PCOS women process sugar and fat the same way people with diabetes do – not very well and that instead of burning it off my body will just store it as fat! While fighting back tears I asked if there was anything he could suggest or give me to help control this as I remembered hearing that Metformin can help and that I’d tried diets and Slimming World before, and all he told me was “I’d recommend Slimming World” Clearly he either hadn’t been listening to me or just didn’t believe me but either way I wasn’t getting the answers I was asking for.
The appointment was rounded up by the doctor saying that there was no point asking me to go back for a follow up in six months as I “probably wont have lost the weight by then” and that he was going to discharge us and that once I have lost the weight (still with no clue how to do this) that I should go back to my GP and ask to be re-referred, but that we wouldn’t have to undergo the initial testing again. How I held it together I do not know, I was filled with rage and so much pain but managed to keep smiling until we were out of his office.
The week before I’d left my job and wasn’t due to start my new one until the next day, and I am so thankful for that because I wouldn’t have been able to spend all day at work pretending things were alright, Mitch however did have to go to work. Some how I managed to keep myself from breaking down until I’d dropped Mitch at work, the minute he got out of the car I just fell apart and sobbed the whole way home. Actually I sobbed for most of the day on and off unsure what to do or how to pick myself back up again. That day I found company and support in some unlikely places, but the main one was someone who we’d actually only gotten a few days before… a Ragdoll x Persian Kitten called Hufflepuff . The decision to get Hufflepuff was for me to have something to give all my love to knowing full way we may never have a baby and I am so so glad we did because he refused to leave my side while I cried.
Things may not have gone how we wanted them to but for now we’re just rolling with the punches. We have our beautiful kitten, we’re going on our delayed honeymoon to Disney World on 29th September, and when we get back we’re going to try as many weight loss options as we can. For now though I have my wonderful husband and the support of so many people, including the people reading this.