I told myself last night that I wouldn’t write this post, yet here I am. I’ve realised as the day has gone on that I need to write this, not only for me but because when I started this blog I promised I’d be honest about documenting my journey and if I don’t write it then I’m not being completely honest with anyone.
Back in March Mitch and I started a PCOS friendly diet in the hopes of lowering my hormone levels enough that it would encourage my body to ovulate naturally. We said goodbye to sugar and sugar replacements, gluten, wheat, dairy and dairy replacements, red meat, and caffeine, and instead said hello to fruit, vegetables, chicken, fish, brown rice, and gluten free pastas. It was difficult to start with, especially where our bodies were putting themselves through sugar withdrawal but we acknowledged that it’d be worth it if we managed to conceive and as the days went on it became much much easier.
While we didn’t eat unhealthily before going on the diet, I could tell that even the slightest changes were beginning to happen. My skin felt softer and was a lot clearer, my hair was softer, and I felt a lot calmer in myself. I was so skeptical before starting the diet that I was actually astounded that it was working…whatever working was! We pushed forward and stayed as motivated as we humanly could, although I will admit there was the odd slip up. By mid April we’d lost a stone between us and I was feeling much better in myself, then I had sharp left sided abdominal pain all day. For a good period of time I was in that much pain that I was adamant I was dying, that was until I remembered that when I used to have periods I would get really bad ovulation pain. So deciding to rule it out before I took myself up to A&E I did an ovulation test that we’d had spare in the drawer from a few months back and was astounded to see it was a very clear positive – the diet WAS doing something!!
Of course this meant that we then entered the dreaded two week wait and I briefly mentioned this on my Instagram last weekend. We had to get to through two whole weeks before I could do a pregnancy test and honestly it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be, the first week absolutely flew by and the second week also went quickly but honestly was a little weird. I had a really bizarre dream five nights in a row about being surround by dozens of positive pregnancy tests, then on the Sunday my boobs felt like they were going to fall off all day and I had another dream of positive pregnancy tests. So first thing Monday morning I tested…and the test was faulty! After a quick trip into town to get another test I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor staring at a positive pregnancy test. It was a light but very clear and my god it was positive! Both Mitch and I were so happy we cried but were so terrified at the same time because we knew how many risks were still attached due to the PCOS and other issues.
On Tuesday Mitch booked me a doctors appointment for Friday so that we could confirm everything and make sure that things were all okay. I’d decided though that because the positive was clear but light that I should do another one on Wednesday morning as my HCG levels would be higher, but by Tuesday night I no longer felt sick and my boobs felt normal again yet I pushed it to the back of my mind. I woke up at 5am on Wednesday and by 5.30 I was sitting on our bathroom floor again but this time I was sobbing. You see on Wednesday I did six pregnancy tests – two were positive except this time the lines were far thinner and lighter than two days previous, one was faulty, and three were negative. I put them all to one side to take with me to the doctors at the end of the week and mustered up the strength to carry on as there were more important things to be dealing with but it was in the back of my mind all day.
Which brings us to Friday. I walked into the doctors office armed with a sandwich bag full of pregnancy tests and the knowledge in my heart that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was here that he looked at all my tests and confirmed my positives were most definitely positives and that I was indeed pregnant at the beginning of the week. He then asked me to provide a urine sample and took some blood, the urine test came up negative and my blood test showed an incredibly low HCG level. He explained that by this point we were looking for a level between 50 and 400 but mine were struggling to even get above 10, he then went on to explain that over the next few days I would experience some cramping and that I would experience some bleeding, light spotting, or potentially no bleeding at all.
However it wasn’t all bad news, he explained to me that under no circumstances should the fertility clinic have rejected us and declined to help me with medication. He called them whilst I was sat there and informed them that he would be re referring us and that this time we were not to be sent away without help. So next Friday I have to go for some tests and we also have the paperwork to book Mitch’s tests too.
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and I really hope you can all understand why I’ve been absent. Friday night I had horrendous cramps that continued into Saturday and all I wanted to do was curl up and cry, but Friday night I stuck a smile on my face and we went to the wedding reception of one of Mitch’s relatives. While we were there I confided in my future sister in law about what was going on and honestly she made me feel so much better about everything, she always knows exactly what to say and I will be forever grateful for her.
While I may not have received the news I wanted to during my doctors appointment I can honestly say it went better than I expected. We’re still processing the news of the chemical pregnancy but trying to remain optimistic about going to the fertility clinic, I’m not really okay but I’ll get there. I’m just sorry I’ve hidden away all week instead of surrounding myself with those who I know would support me no matter what.