infertility

“I Know How It Feels, It Took Us Six Months To Conceive”

I know how it feels it took us six months to conceive

Please don’t get me wrong, I know that the following sentence is meant with all the love, goodwill, and sympathy in the world, and I know that people are just trying to relate and help you feel less alone. However, “I know how it feels, it took us *insert months here* to conceive” is one of those sentences that makes me want to get up and scream “IT’S NOT THE SAME” very loudly in your face. I know you’re just trying to relate to what’s going on in my life, and I know it’s because you haven’t been through it that you’re desperately searching for the right words to say, but just please don’t say anything.

Unless you’ve had fertility issues yourself that sentence can be incredibly hard to hear. I get that trying for a baby for ‘so long’ must have been tough for you and believe me I understand I really do, but it isn’t the same. I know I sound harsh but you haven’t been poked and prodded within an inch of your life to try and find out what’s ‘wrong’ with you. You haven’t had the endless heartbreaking doctors appointments followed by hysterical sobbing in the car before you can drive away. You haven’t had to see that look in your partners eyes when you tell him that you’re probably never going to be able to give him a baby. You haven’t taken pregnancy test after pregnancy test knowing full well they’ll be negative and then cried on the bathroom floor because they only confirmed what you knew anyway. You have never put your body through hell with diets/changes/medications because ‘they might work’ to then find that they’ve failed. What you’re saying to me is really not the same.

However, I am grateful that you’re trying to be sympathetic, I honestly am. It’d sort of be like you telling me that you’d broken your leg and me replying with “I know how you feel I twisted my ankle once” it’s similar but not really the same at all. I don’t want to come across that I’m being rude or that I’m ungrateful for any support that’s given, it’s just hard a lot of the time. All the time actually, and it never seems to get any easier.

Some times silence is a valid response to a friend telling you about their fertility struggles. We wont judge you I promise. In fact we’d prefer you stayed quiet and just gave us a hug instead of you saying something that could potentially upset us. We know it’s meant with good intentions and that you would probably never want to upset us on purpose, but these things happen. We all say the wrong things occasionally and that’s okay, that was the whole point in me writing this ‘series’ – to educate others so that they can comfort instead of upset.

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13 thoughts on ““I Know How It Feels, It Took Us Six Months To Conceive””

  1. Another AMEN sister!! That being said there’s also a number of people who’ve gone through IVF who say they know how I feel when they were successful after the first try and here I am on try #6 and with donor eggs the entire time. One idiot actually told me that he knew how I felt going through miscarriage on our fourth round, because after they successfully went through one round of IVF and had twins, his wife was “devastated” to donate their one remaining frozen embryo. Dipshit.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh God I didn’t even think people who had done IVF themselves would be so rude. I hope you screamed at him “IT’S NOT THE SAME!” How could he even think a miscarriage and donating an embryo are even remotely the same?! I’m sorry we constantly have to deal with idiots, things would be that little bit easier if we didn’t xx

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      1. Unfortunately, I have had the same experiences with some couples who have experienced a miscarriage before and now they have children. Sometimes I wonder where the empathetic filter goes once you have a child.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s awful! I could never ever imagine being like that to someone. Especially if I’d been through the same thing they were! It’s astounding how people conveniently forget that they were once in that persons shoes xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I just can’t fathom why. Sometimes I wonder if I ever do have a child if I will ever grow to become insensitive again. Crossing my fingers I won’t.

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  2. Yes. I have so much love for this post right now. Since I didn’t go public about my Infertility struggle until well after 18 months of trying, I never got the “I know how it feels, I tried for 6 months…” but I got a lot of, “it took it took us almost a year.” I always had to stop myself from screaming, “Yeah, it takes most people some time. You are not special.” I commend you for being able to look at these comments with affection. You actually have made me realize that most people probably are just trying to be helpful by making me feel like I’m not alone (while failing miserably at the same task). After three years of TTC, one surgery, and four failed IUI attempts…I’m less forgiving of other’s ignorances. Thank you for reminding me that people say these things…mostly…because they care. It’s nice to have that reminder from time to time. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. When I wrote my initial post “Things Not To Say To A Woman Struggling With Infertility” I was honestly a little dismissive and sarcastic. Afterwards though I came away from it and realised that they were probably only trying to make me feel better, and just try to relate in anyway they could possibly think, without realising how hurtful it was. It was then I realised that all those sentences needed talking about in detail so I’ve decided to do this mini series about them, being far less sarcastic this time haha! Thank you for commending me for looking at these comments with with affection but it really has taken me a long time to realise that. Although the point of this was to make people realise that although their comments are meant with love and support, that actually they hurt and can be pretty offensive. We’d much rather they stayed silent and gave us a cuddle. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle, I truly hope that one day you get everything you’ve ever dreamed of xx

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  3. I kind of think those comments “it took us x amount of time” (under 12 months) as extremely condescending. It just reveals how clueless they really are. I know they don’t mean anything about it and that they are trying to help. If someone did say that to me I would have no issue saying “I get you’re trying to be helpful, but it’s not the same. at all. on any level. Here’s why…A, B, C. Thank you though.”

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  4. Very good post. People try to relate and sympathize the best way they can but nope, doesn’t help. The hugs would be more welcome though I’d probably burst into tears if they did hug me. My mind teeters on the edge when it comes to fertility because it’s linked to the hell and pain I’ve been going through with Endometriosis. Even as I’m typing, I’m trying hard not to think about the fact that I may never get to bear my own child because of how wrecked my uterus has become. Heh, I had to stop myself from crying when you mentioned checking the pregnancy test countless times despite already knowing the result. Every time…even when I already knew… I just wanted to hope and see…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jen. I’m sorry that my post made you a little emotional but I’m also glad that I was able to write something you could relate to and hopefully make you feel less alone? I’m sending you so much love and positive thoughts, I truly hope that one day you get to have your baby xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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