It’s currently 16:40 on Sunday 26th March 2017, and I will be completely honest when I say I haven’t left my bed yet today. I don’t think I can. It’s Mother’s Day today over here in the UK and yet again it’s a weird one for me. It’s the third Mother’s Day since being diagnosed with PCOS, it’s the first Mother’s Day since trying for a baby and then being a given an official infertility diagnosis, and the first Mother’s Day not seeing my mum (luckily for me my mum alive and well, I’ve just moved away from home. I’ll probably Facetime her later but it’s not the same)
This year however, is the first year that I’ve really acknowledged that I will probably never get to be a mother, and I’m not really sure how to process that. I’ve spent the last few months with a smile plastered on my face telling anyone who asks that ‘I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?’ or making a lighthearted joke about it. Today I think it’s finally sunk in that I may never have my own baby in my arms to celebrate Mother’s Day with and unfortunately that’s something I’m realising a lot of people will never understand. Whilst I’m glad a lot of people will never understand the feelings or thought processes of someone dealing with infertility, I really wish that they had a better understanding of it, especially as some recent medical studies have shown that an infertility diagnosis has the same psychological effects as a Cancer diagnosis.
This isn’t to say that I can’t appreciate the concept of Mother’s Day. It’s amazingly beautiful seeing people appreciating their Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunties, Wives, Girlfriends, and Friends. There is an overwhelming sense of love and pride wherever you look and it’s beautiful. Obviously I join in with the celebrations because there are women in my life who deserve so much recognition. Most importantly my Mum – without her I wouldn’t be half the woman I am now. But then there are also those who have allowed me to have a role in their children’s lives. Whether that role is big or small, I will forever be grateful to them for allowing me into their precious child’s little world, and I’m so proud and in awe of the amazing things you have all accomplished.
Unfortunately my joy , gratitude, and happiness for others still gets clouded by that pang of sadness for myself. I’m trying to overcome that though. While I’ve been sitting and writing this I’ve had my headphones on, music on shuffle and trying to shut out the world. However, a few moments ago Patience by Take That came on and I pretty much stopped dead in my tracks. I love Take That anyway but I’d never really paid attention to the lyrics of Patience until I now. “I’ll try to be strong, believe me I’m trying to move on. It’s complicated but understand me. I just need time, my heart is numb has no feeling, so while I’m still healing, just try and have a little patience”
In that moment I realised that I need to be more patient with myself and not beat myself up so much. I then decided to message the important mothers in my life celebrating them and everything they do, it definitely helped a little bit in me feeling less miserable… I’m still not ready to leave my bed though.