infertility, PCOS

Mother’s Day

Mothers Day

It’s currently 16:40 on Sunday 26th March 2017, and I will be completely honest when I say I haven’t left my bed yet today. I don’t think I can. It’s Mother’s Day today over here in the UK and yet again it’s a weird one for me. It’s the third Mother’s Day since being diagnosed with PCOS, it’s the first Mother’s Day since trying for a baby and then being a given an official infertility diagnosis, and the first Mother’s Day not seeing my mum (luckily for me my mum alive and well, I’ve just moved away from home. I’ll probably Facetime her later but it’s not the same)

This year however, is the first year that I’ve really acknowledged that I will probably never get to be a mother, and I’m not really sure how to process that. I’ve spent the last few months with a smile plastered on my face telling anyone who asks that ‘I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?’ or making  a lighthearted joke about it. Today I think it’s finally sunk in that I may never have my own baby in my arms to celebrate Mother’s Day with and unfortunately that’s something I’m realising a lot of people will never understand. Whilst I’m glad a lot of people will never understand the feelings or thought processes of someone dealing with infertility, I really wish that they had a better understanding of it, especially as some recent medical studies have shown that an infertility diagnosis has the same psychological effects as a Cancer diagnosis.

This isn’t to say that I can’t appreciate the concept of Mother’s Day. It’s amazingly beautiful seeing people appreciating their Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunties, Wives, Girlfriends, and Friends. There is an overwhelming sense of love and pride wherever you look and it’s beautiful. Obviously I join in with the celebrations because there are women in my life who deserve so much recognition.  Most importantly my Mum –  without her I wouldn’t be half the woman I am now. But then there are also those who have allowed me to have a role in their children’s lives. Whether that role is big or small, I will forever be grateful to them for allowing me into their precious child’s little world, and I’m so proud and in awe of the amazing things you have all accomplished.

Unfortunately my joy , gratitude, and happiness for others still gets clouded by that pang of sadness for myself. I’m trying to overcome that though. While I’ve been sitting and writing this I’ve had my headphones on, music on shuffle and trying to shut out the world. However, a few moments ago Patience by Take That came on and I pretty much stopped dead in my tracks. I love Take That anyway but I’d never really paid attention to the lyrics of Patience until I now. “I’ll try to be strong, believe me I’m trying to move on. It’s complicated but understand me. I just need time, my heart is numb has no feeling, so while I’m still healing, just try and have a little patience” 

In that moment I realised that I need to be more patient with myself and not beat myself up so much. I then decided to message the important mothers in my life celebrating them and everything they do, it definitely helped a little bit in me feeling less miserable… I’m still not ready to leave my bed though.

 

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2 thoughts on “Mother’s Day”

  1. Good for you. Sounds like looking after yourself was exactly what you needed to do yesterday. I drunk lots of wine and that took the edge off but it was a hard day.
    The words to that song really got me- I too haven’t really paid attention to them before. Eugh – there so lovely but so sad. Life is so brutal and unfair.
    I hope that the sun is shining where you are and today you’re not feeling the pain and sadness as keenly. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or therapist? I’ve decided I’m at that stage. I’ll let you know if it makes a difference.
    Sending love x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m feeling much better today thank you. After a day of moping about and then sobbing hysterically into my fiances chest I am now back to my usual level of pain today, and I hope that you’re feeling better today too.
      I must admit that after my realisation of those lyrics I then put it on repeat for a good thirty minutes. We can do this 🙂
      I’ve considered counselling before but never followed it through, it sounds so stupid but I’m always worried they’ll judge me and I get enough of that from other people. Please let me know how you get on though.

      Sending you so much love x

      Liked by 1 person

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