fertility, infertility, PCOS

The Words I Never Wanted To Hear

The Words I Never Wanted To Hear

“There’s a high chance that you will never be able to conceive naturally”  – that one sentence has ripped and echoed it’s way through my mind constantly over the last 18 months and let’s face it probably always will. Being twenty years old and sitting in a grubby hospital office being told that you probably can’t have the one thing you’ve always wanted more than anything well and truly shattered my world into a million pieces.

I’d known from the age of about six or seven that all I really wanted in life was to be a mum. Whether that was to one child or to ten. I just wanted to be a mum. As I’ve grown up all my other hopes and dreams changed but one thing remained the same – my dream of being a mum one day. Anyone who knows me knows just how maternal I am, and one friend said that I’m the most maternal person she’s ever met – a comment I have so much pride in.

I will admit that when I first found out I didn’t handle it very well. I isolated myself from friends, I drank a lot, I outright refused to be near anyone with a baby and subsequently had to move out of a flat I shared with my friend and back in with my mum and sister because my friend had just given birth to a little boy and I couldn’t cope. Due to me reacting in this way I missed out on 6 months of my god daughter Elsie’s life and stopped seeing her mum Tash who is one of my best friends, now luckily Tash is the most understanding and caring person I’ve ever met and told me to take my time and they’d both be there if I needed them. I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Ever.

I’m not really 100% sure what pulled me out of my negative spiral, but I think a colleague coming into work with her 3 month old baby and handing him to me saying “you’re maternal and I trust you, can you just watch Freddie while I talk to the manager for 10 minutes?” helped. Because for the first time in six months I had been forced to interact with something I’d been going out of my way to avoid. I felt uncomfortable, emotional, and I’ll admit a little jealous but gradually over a few months and being asked to watch Freddie regularly when his mum came into the office really made me get my act together, I’ll just never be able to explain how exactly that happened.

I got my relationship with Tash and Elsie back on track and continued my life as if nothing had happened. I push it to the back of my mind and stupidly think “oh I’ll deal with it later” and it usually comes out at really random times with little to no explanation. For  another six months I didn’t breathe a word to anyone, and then I met Mitch.

I knew very early on in my relationship with Mitch that I had to tell him as soon as possible for one reason – he has a son. I mean I would have to have told him anyway just not as early as I did and the reason I told him so early on is because I didn’t want us to get further down the line, have serious feelings and then it completely put him off. Luckily for me he was amazing about it and well he’s still here nearly 7 months later so obviously it wasn’t a deal breaker. He’s honestly been so amazing and understanding about it all and I really couldn’t have asked for a better reaction. After that conversation 7 months ago I pushed it all to the back of my mind again, until last night.

I’ve been re-watching How I Met Your Mother and last night watched the episode where Robin is told she can’t have children and I was a mess. Normally when I get like that I end up researching medications, lifestyles changes etc anything that can give me a little bit of hope. Last night I looked at IVF, having been told by the endocrinologist that if I ever wanted/needed it I would be entitled to two free rounds of IVF on the NHS because I have a pre-diagnosed fertility isssue, I’ve just never looked into it. So last night I was reading all about IVF and its success rate and what they do etc to then discover that I would NOT be granted  IVF via the NHS because my partner already has a child from a previous relationship. A child I actually have nothing to do with. Although this isn’t his fault or Mitch’s for that matter and I would never ever blame either of them. Obviously I should put out there that IVF wouldn’t have been an option for a number of years yet but I feel like that option has just been ripped away from me too, well unless I can save between £5000 and £8000 to pay for it privately. Just got to keep hoping that my body proves them all wrong haha!

I realise this has been quite a long post and has been a little all over the place although honestly I’m not really expecting any one to read it, I think I more needed to do it to clear my mind a bit. I’ve definitely realised while writing this that I need to talk about it more or it’s just going to eat away at me. It’s just a shame I don’t really know anyone who completely understands. I promise I’ll make the next post cheerier!


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